Cancer Sucks

raisingarizona wrote

Sorry to hear Harv, I hope things are on the up and up now for your family.

Had some stuff on my mind, but felt bad hijacking Chris's cool Woodstove thread, so I'm starting my own.  This place is a lot of things, but it started out as my journal, and I still use it that way sometimes.

When you get older stuff starts to happen. I'm 56 and we've got three close relatives with serious health issues. All are stressful, but two of them have some kind of mild "silver lining" if I can call it that.

The thing I can't find any way to rationalize is my sister.  Two years ago she was getting a scan for a UTI and the doc found something else in the process.  She had a rare kind of cancer called GIST Wild Type that actually grows in between your organs. The specific wild type she has has only been documented in 100 people, so treatment options are not very advanced.

She had an operation to remove some of it, but nobody really expected it to help.  After the operation, the incision hurt like hell, and she decided she was going to forgo additional surgery, try to manage her pain and live out her life with as much dignity as she could.  A year later she's under 80 lbs and probably a third of that is the cancer itself.  It's horrifying.

My folks are pretty old (80s) and are doing their best to care for her.  She's begged us not to put her into the hospital to die. This summer her daughters, who live in Europe, came for six weeks to help. Their dignity in the face of their mother's pain was inspiring.

I see my sis every Sunday. I drive the 50 miles to Jersey City and sit with her or push her around the city in her wheelchair. I have to push her in the street, because the sidewalks are so fucked up that they jar the wheelchair and hurt her.

She can walk but not for long, she gets tired very easily.  Two Sunday's ago, after I left her place she fell and wacked her face pretty bad.  Basically she fell asleep while standing, as her body is full of painkillers.  She's now "sleeping" most of the day, and hospice is telling us she is "shutting down."

It's incredibly crappy to be in a position where you want your sister to die.  But she wants it too.  If she lived in Oregon or Washington or Vermont she would be gone, but she just doesn't want to move.  The right to die was always something that made sense to me, but until I lived it, never thought to much about.  I wish it was a federal law.

My sister was always super cool. A writer, musician and mom, well adjusted, pursuing her dreams, living life the way it was meant to be lived.

All I can say is cancer sucks, and I send my vibes to anyone else who has experienced someone they love, way too young, succumb to this terrible disease.

It is sad indeed, you are a good brother.

This is so sad..So sorry...

Sorry Harv

Going thru similar, yet diff, situation myself.

One of my buds has been given a year to live due to fucking cancer. Just found out one week ago today. He's in his mid 50's, loves his wife and kids, avid outdoors man, and prolly the GD hunter/woodsman I've ever met or ever will meet.

Spent last Sunday morning with him riding our wheelers around in the rain......that's just the kinda shit we like to do.

Misery loves company......

Not sure I have been the best brother as my mom, dad, sister and nieces have put my efforts to shame.  I'm good for jokes and stories, so I try to stick to that.  I've tried to encourage my parents to get some profession help (visiting nurse) but they are resisting for reasons I don't understand.  Not positive but I think they could afford at least some help.

Camp I'm sorry about your friend.  The image of you guys wheeling in the rain is so bitter sweet. I'm guessing there is nothing he'd rather do with some of the precious time he has left.  Love to see a pic, if you think it is appropriate.

Harvey wrote

Not sure I have been the best brother as my mom, dad, sister and nieces have put my efforts to shame.  I'm good for jokes and stories, so I try to stick to that.  

It's not a competition, you visit, and you care. It would be so much easier to list all reasons why you can't make the drive and spend a few moments but rather you drive and sit and comfort. That to me is a good brother. A big pat on the back from me, I'd say I'd give you a hug but that would be weird and besides that you might think I was not such an old prick, can't wreck that persona.

Harv, I am very sorry to hear about this, what a sad story. I remembered your sister's name from a video you posted some time ago of her singing, so I tracked down her FB page. The picture is heartbreaking but her spirit shines through.

PeeTex is right, you do what you can do and it is all appreciated. The people who are physically closer tend to take on more of the day to day stuff, but every little thing you can offer is a help.

Cancer is such a cruel and random disease, the people who seem to be asking for it are sometimes handed the "get out of jail free card."  Our long time friend FishBrother has just finished chemo and radiation to treat throat cancer. Lifelong heavy smoker and at 57 it caught up with him. He is one of the lucky ones, though: three months of hell, followed up by a year of recovery and some massive lifestyle changes, he will probably outlive me. Supported by his wife and son, he finally had enough energy to make the trip north and I saw him today for the first time since he began treatment. Stupid fucker is still on serious pain meds but insisted on driving the four hours while his unbelievably patient spouse sat waiting to grab the wheel in case he dozed off. He looked 20 years older than the last time I saw him, pale, drawn but clearly seeing some light at the end of tunnel.

Life just sucks sometimes.  You're a good man Harv...whether skiing in the woods with your buds or being a good brother through thick and thin. Don't doubt yourself and live life to the fullest every day.

Thanks for the support Marcski, SBR and PTex.

It is hard to figure who gets tagged by this crappy disease. Although in my family it seems like those who "look" like one side are the unlucky ones.

Back into the city today for my Sunday visit.  My sis's close friend Jason, has been visiting and caring for her for the last 3 days.  The guy is currently out of work and ponied up for a flight from UK to see her and help. Incredible.

Very relieved that we were able to convince my parents to bring in some professional help.

It was a beautiful day and we headed out to the pedestrian mall to take in the day. My sister said it was the best day she'd had in months, pretty choked up about that.



Got to be careful driving when things are emotional.  Driving the turnpike in the late day sun, high speed, high volume traffic, and thinking about things other then the road, somebody stopped short and it took me a while to notice. Had to lock em up, was actually pretty impressed with the CRV's stopping, but it scared the shit out of me.

Life is strange, Harv you're surrounded by supportive friends here and we all feel for you.  Your sister sounds like a great girl and I'm sure she's grateful to have you!

I think that this is a great reminder of something that most on this board take in to action... and that is to embrace every day, squeeze as much life out of every day and every year as you possibly can... because you just never know when your number will be called

Thanks Chris.  I do feel like the small stuff is not worth the energy.

Don't want this to be purely my thread. Not that I want to hear that others are suffering, but if you have a story, and are inclined, please share it.

Sorry i have not responded yet , just saw this we were away in your neck of the woods at a Conference at the Sagamore and JUST got back .

Cancer is such an insidious disease and touches most of our extended families in some manner . when it does we not only feel crushed by the fear of the init ial impact but also feel woefully inadequate in just how we should respond . We  feel  bewildered in how best to respond AND THIS IS NORMAL  .

Harv you are not only a GOOD brother but also a fine son in how you live and how you ARE responding . As. Others here have toldyou , what  you are doing is exactly the right thing and by BELING there IN THE PRESENT. And just  being in the moment with your sister and demonstrating the depth ofyour love and concern is the best ointment you can offer to salve her psyche .

Being surrounded by unconditional love is the finest in human emotion , and you friend are doing exactly that for her . Be at peace , Be yourself in her presence and offer comfort in the form of recalling shared past happy experiences that you have in common bond . Make memories , recall meemories and offer peace .

All of us here offer our support, prayers , vibes and common concern for you and your sis !!

Warp  

I've unfortunately had to watch both my parents die.  My father from an accident, and far worse......my mother from cancer.  Such a terrible disease, and such a hard thing to watch somebody die from.  You are doing a great thing by being there for her, helping her to make the most of the time she has.  I'm sure for her the release from the suffering will be a relief.  I wish there was a good story to share, but for terminal cancer there aren't many.  I will say this, in the hopes that you or your family aren't eventually put in the position to beat yourselves up.  We were there for my mother constantly for her final months.  It was great time together, as heart wrenching as it was.  When my mother finally passed it was a time when my wife and I were away (a long planned 4th of July trip that we regrettably decided to keep), and my brother and his wife were away for a few hours.  It may have been one of the few times in months that she was alone......and being alone may have made it easier for her to close her eyes and slip away, not feeling like she had to hold on any longer for us.  Don't be surprised if your family ever faces that situation, and don't beat yourselves up (like I did for some time) if you do.

:(

My sis didn't want a funeral, so we went to her place today, looked at pictures, listened to her music and had a few glasses of wine.  Then we walked down to the never forget spot and hung out until the sun went down.



Thanks for sharing your story JTG. I think I get it now.

Sitting in the hospital tonight I reread this thread.  It moving to me, and I really appreciate everyone's input.

This time, it looks like the good guy (girl) won. My wife was diagnosed this summer and after surgery that took most of the day, I am optimistic that she is going to live many more years. Nothing is assured, but right now it looks good.

Glad she's ok. You're good people and good karma will bless you. Sending positive vibes your way.

Yes
Good news Harv. Glad to hear

I’m super stoked to hear the positive news Harv! Much love from here in AZ.

Harv, what a journey you have been on with this cancer thing. I'm glad this blog & forum effort supports you and that Z is out of the woods. Crying now, can't type well. Hope to to ski ya this winter.